++ [On a Calm Cloudy Day] ++

Why am I always so hungry. I thought stuffing myself would make my stomach shut up. For five minutes at least.

ED says: You can have the Oreo McFlurry today.
I say: Yes, I will have the Oreo McFlurry todady.

ED says: You will not have anything until dinner.
I say: I will not have anything until dinner.

ED says: You're used to this. You can easily wait to have until dinner. You're not even hungry right now.
I say: I had the McFlurry at 9:30AM. It's 4:15PM right now and I am not hungry. Wow, has it really been 7 hours since I last ate something? I'm not even hungry.

I say: I don't know how to fight back. I am not hungry and I had 550 calories for breakfast.
ED says: 550 calories for breakfast is a lot. You got what you want. I got what I want.
I say: I wanted the Oreo McFlurry.
ED says: I let you have it.
I say: I don't know if I want to disobey. I don't feel hungry. I need to ask myself what Melody and Shannon would want me to do. They would tell me to eat something but I'm not hungry and I want a big dinner. Well, I had a Coke Zero at work today and I know that I broke that rule because I wanted to feel full but I wasn't even feeling hungry. I want to break ED but I don't feel hungry. If ED broke a rule, then I should break a rule too. But I broke the rule of Diet Coke though and ED doesn't want lunch. So we're even then. I don't get it. I guess I'll wait until dinner.

An e-mail I sent to a friend:

Never mind. I give up. I've convinced myself that if God exists, it's just prefers to see me suffer. My mom and I aren't talking again and according to her, as always, it's all my fault. It's always been my fault, and always will be my fault. Everyone is miserable because of me and she told me to get out of the house, which I gladly did. I want both of our wishes to be fulfilled. I want my mom to disown me so she can use the money on herself and she can buy herself all the things she want. I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I feel like living off of minimum wage and have my own apartment so I can reach my goal of being 80 lbs. We can both benefit this way then since we'll both get what we really want. Starting Tuesday, I don't really care about recovery or any of this anymore. I'm just going to skip whatever meals I can and just go off of 200 cal/day if I have to because my eating disorder is the only thing I really have left that can make me happy.

I don't mind telling you this because by the time you do get this, I'll hopefully make it back down to 90 lbs or less. Don't worry it's not like I'm contemplating suicide or anything. I just feel so indifferent to everything right now that even the thought of ending my life just seems unimportant/not really helpful because then I won't be able to see how skinny I can get. My condition doesn't matter to my mom anyways because to her, my eating disorder is nothing. This whole thing to her is really about her winning. My eating disorder is my fault and mine alone because no one in my family has this. So definitely I lose and she wins because she's able to logically justify that my eating disorder is irrational. That's great. Now that I lost all of her support, I don't need to feel guilty anymore about wanting to be 90 lbs. again. Maybe less this time. I'm glad my whole family can gain from this. They'll get to use the money that I could've used on food on remodeling more parts of the house like they've wanted to, and I can be 90 lbs. again and hopefully reach my goal of 85.

I'm glad my parents are there to support this eating disorder. It makes my life so much easier now.

I dumped all the laxatives I had down the toilet a few days ago.

I'm 91 lbs, 5'2", BMI 16.6, and I put my parents through hell today, yesterday, and these last 13 days have been the hardest for my parents to come to accept.

I'm getting recovery and I want to thank all of you for your support. However, if I really want to recover, I can't come back here anymore to support you girls. I'm so sorry that we're all hurting so much. I made my mom cry in front of me for the first time in my life and she couldn't stop crying because of how much this was hurting her. My dad couldn't even be in the same room. I really hope you will tell your family one day because I had to experience this pain firsthand to know how messed up I really am. I still don't know how messed I really am--I still want to be skinnier.

The matter of the fact is, I can't be here to support any of you anymore. I might relapse in the future and come back and feel shitty again about myself like I do now. But I want you all to know I'm going to give this recovery everything I have. In order to do that, I can't be here anymore.

I might update my own LJ periodically to keep track of my own progress. But I wanted to say good-bye for now and hopefully forever. I know it's a bad way of looking at it but I can't stand the situation I'm in and I hope all of you understand and will some day get out of this too.

Lastly, thank you for everything that all of the support you provided me. I won't forget this place at all because so much of me in the last year has been invested in this place. Thank you for listening to my rants and I'm sorry I won't be there to listen to yours. Please wish me luck and when I return to my Christian faith, I'll pray for all of you to leave this place.

I've been really open with my parents about my eating disorder. My mom has the hardest time understanding why I'm doing this to myself. We went to Jessica McClintock today because my mom had to buy some dresses for some weddings she was invited to. I decided to try on dresses with her too just to kill time.

It was kind of uncomfortable because I was wondering what she was thinking when she saw me in those dresses. Like, my feelings felt really conflicted when I saw myself in the mirror and loved the way the dress fit me. Like, I hated looking at myself as I was changing dresses but when I put them on, there was that feeling of satisfaction when I put on a size 2 dress, feeling it be loose on me, and knowing that I had always wanted this feeling since junior high of having the smallest size in the store fit me loosely well.

But then I know that's not making my parents happy and I know this isn't the size my body is suppose to be naturally. I know people here will say 'it's your body, do what makes you happy' but to me, it's just as important if my parents are happy too. I was crying on the phone the other day when I was talking to my friend, that my parents told me that they'd rather see me give up grad school and be healthy rather than see me make it to grad school and suffer from this. My mom was so frustrated at the store that she was all 'You want to go to med school and yet you're doing this to yourself. I don't even want to comment about this.'

I hate this so much. I feel like I'm in pain all the time just thinking about food constantly and wanting to eat more and more. And then before I take a shower, be amazed even more and more of how I can see all the bones on my back and that when I sit down, the widest part of my waist is my hip bone and everything else just sinks in. I'm scared that I like what I'm seeing yet at the same time I know that this isn't right.

Why can't I convince myself to eat more?
Why can't I convince myself to just have a burger?
Why can't I convince myself that what I'm seeing is killing me?
Why can't I convince myself I'm medically starving and killing myself?

I'm really hungry and I already had 740 calories for today. I tried to fool myself by having 330 calories for dinner by expending as much food as possible. I had Taco Bell, a 100-cal bag of popcorn, an apple, and diet coke for dinner. That's at least 50-60 bites of food, and I failed to convince myself that I'm full.

Sorry, just had to let that out.

I told my dad tonight.

I was surprised I wasn't bawling. He teared up though. I've never seen that before.

I feel relieved yet sad at the same time but now I feel like I'm not hiding under some dark rock anymore.


He told me he suspected it all along and that I will always be his little girl no matter what. We talked about the education he had in his life, how he had to persevere when he was living in Malaysia. He talked about how he couldn't make enough money to make ends meet. When I told him about my eating disorder, he said he felt guilty and that he was sorry for pushing me so hard my whole life.

I'm glad I have a dad that is willing to understand. He told me that all he cared about is for me to be happy. He would be more at peace if I had a happy life and didn't make that much or succeed in school, rather than me suffer with an eating disorder. He cared more about my welfare and said if you need to take a year off to recover, do it. I said I still want to be in school. It's where I belong and I want to get it done.

We'll see where it goes from here.

So I haven’t posted in a while because of a lot of things going on in my life that I haven’t been sharing in case if any of you were interested.

Tomorrow, I will be done with my college undergraduate experience and will be receiving a B.S. in Biological Sciences. I’m 20 years old =)!

And recently, I admitted to my youth pastor’s wife about my eating disorder. It was really difficult as it was the night before my Calc final and I couldn’t focus because I hadn’t consumed any more than 750 calories the entire day. I pretty much went all out and told her almost everything that’s been going on: why I haven’t been to church for a whole year, why I don’t want to pray with her over the phone, how I think God might exist to do good things for others but those good things will never come to me, and how this ED might be the reason why as a person, I fail. And the response I got from her the entire time over the phone was tell me how happy she was to hear from me, how she is so glad I came to her about this, and that she wants me to keep me accountable for calling or e-mailing her every day from now on for as long as I can about how I am doing with my ED—which I actually am doing.

You would think that would be so intrusive considering the fact she is a hardcore Christian conservative Asian mother married to an even more conservative Asian pastor. People like her are so rare. She said over and over that she was so worried for me and just wants me to get better, and she’ll do everything she can to help me get better and she’d be willing to not pray in front of me because she wants me to come back to God without her forcing me there.

I want to recover but at the same time I’m not ready for it. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for it. A few weeks ago, I attended my high school friend’s open casket viewing and when I saw her, I decided that I had to do something about this. I put my parents through so much and they have so much invested in me that if I end up like this, it literally makes me physically cringe to imagine the look on their faces if the first time they found about my ED was through my own open casket viewing. I can’t stand the thought of it, and even if I don’t value my own body or my life so much anymore, I value theirs and the people who are invested in making sure I recover, and I will do it for them.

I’m just so fucking scared how my parents will take it though. A month ago, I had to get sent to the emergency room for laxative overdose (nothing serious, they sent me home on the same night). I was successful in intercepting most of the bills sent to my house but some of them went past me and I had to lie to my parents telling them it was dehydration, food poisoning, didn’t want them to worry, etc. etc. They need to know why my ED has caused me to lash out and withdraw from friends, family, my church, my sorority, my on-campus job, and why it probably cost me two whole years of gaining admission into graduate school.

But honestly things in my life are starting to turn around. After graduation when I go back home, I’m going to go see a psychiatrist on Monday and tell her, ‘do everything you can to stop me. I’m not going to be ready for it but I need recovery to happen now.’ I’m going to tell my parents next Tuesday about why I did so poorly in school for the past 2 years without a real explanation. I also start work as a medical assistant and I’ll be taking a few classes at a state school to raise my science GPA, take my MCAT and apply to medical schools. This final semester has been really looking up and I’m wondering if it has anything to do with finally coming forward with my ED after two years of this digestive hell. I just can’t believe it took me the death of two friends of mine to come forward about it and seek help.

I know this is making my life like a Chicken Soup for the Soul story and that everything seems to be falling perfectly into place at the moment: I have people who unconditionally support me, my grades this semester have shot up, I’m going to be a medical assistant to a doctor the moment I go back home from graduation, my goal by next year is medical school, and that I’m ‘only’ 20 years old.

However, I just want to let you girls know that I know we all have dreams beyond our ED, and keep holding onto them. At the end of the day, they and the people who would do anything to make sure you’re alright will keep you together on days that your ED is tearing you apart. None of us really want to even be posting here and I really hope one day that none of us will have to.

I will keep you guys updated on my appointment next week and how my parents will react once I tell them if you’re interested.

My stats:

Height: 5’2”
Weight before this all began: 115 (10th grade to 1st year of college)
Weight when binge-eating said hello: 130-135ish
Current weight as of April 9: 92

Oh lordie, so today's lunch was supposed to be a planned binge with laxatives and the whole deal. However, I did several things totally unexpected.

1) Forgot to bring my laxes
2) Ended up eating 1/2 of an entire pineapple, fruit (yes, the big one you buy from a grocery store) a cup of sliced strawberries, and a serving of pumpkin mashed potatoes + ketchup.
3) I always try to avoid feeling full even in my binges. I feel really bloated right now.

The total for this lunch miraculously came out to be less than 400. I was expecting 700 or accidentally more but this is good.

No laxatives this time =). I'm going to let my tummy eat up the pineapples and strawberries normally despite the bloated feeling.

By the way, I feel really good about this. I never feel good about what I eat. I'm happy this time.

20 good reasons to hate anorexia

I got my industrial piercing yesterday. I was totally hyperventilating and everything. So far, it's all good!

Today: 

Breakfast: Milk (120 cal), Apple (100 cal)

Lunch: Apple Breakfast Bar (120 cal), Gum (5 cal)

Snack: 2 Diet cokes (0 cal?? I don't trust them that much)

Dinner: Hopefully will be just yogurt.

Total: 475 cal!

So I broke my rule of coming home because of possible massive binges all over the place but I got my excuses all lined up. So I weighed myself this morning: 93.6 lbs.

And that's with going overshooting my limits by 200 calories on nearly every day this week. I'm amazed that my body even lost weight at all despite all the junk-a-lunk I shoved down and all the curry I ate and the white rice. Good stuff until you feel bloated and heavy. My ultimate goal weight is 90 so we'll see where this goes.

Also, I found a really evil website that I know everyone would be curious about:

http://www.calculator.net/carbohydrate-calculator.html

My results were:

• you need 1377 Calories/day to maintain your weight, you should take 147 (40%) - 275 (75%) grams of carbohydrate for your energy needs. (55% = 202 grams, 65% = 239 grams)
• you need 877 Calories/day to lose 1 lb per week, you should take 130 - 175 (75%) grams of carbohydrate for your energy needs. (55% = 129 grams, 65% = 152 grams)
• you need 377 Calories/day to lose 2 lb per week, you should take 130 grams of carbohydrate for your energy needs.
• you need 1877 Calories/day to gain 1 lb per week, you should take 200 (40%) - 375 (75%) grams of carbohydrate for your energy needs. (55% = 275 grams, 65% = 325 grams)
• you need 2377 Calories/day to gain 2 lb per week, you should take 254 (40%) - 475 (75%) grams of carbohydrate for your energy needs. (55% = 349 grams, 65% = 412 grams)

That's not a lot of room to mess up. At all =(. Even a single binge can send me overboard.

I can't believe I took 4 laxatives over simply 400 calories for dinner. I even told myself that if I stayed under 700 for the whole day that I'd skip on the laxatives. My total turned out to be 670 (overestimation) and I still took them anyway.

I never thought I'd be so unhappy with meeting a daily goal.


xposted to feathers

Just for my own reference.

3 egg whites (51cal)
1 tbsp BBQ sauce (25cal)
1 seaweed seasoning (25cal)
1 pack of gum (30 cal)
4 scrambled eggs (400cal)
1 serving of ketchup (18cal)
Pineapple (78cal)
3 Strawberries (12cal)
Potatoes (300cal)
Lots of corn (200cal)
TOTAL: 1139 cal.

Of course, I made sure to overestimate in every category. Man, I fail at this.

There's this one guy I know that posted an entry on his xanga a while back, who was really upset by the xanga entries on eating disorders. In response, he wrote an entry dedicated to that, begging people with eating disorders to please stop. He seemed so sincere about it too which was weird because I always found him to be apathetic and mocking of everything that didn't agree with his way of life. In that entry, he said he didn't understand why he cared so much about people he had never before for but he wants those people with eating disorders to stop doing this to themselves. He said he was sorry for not understanding why we do this, but he also wanted to know what he could do to convince someone with it to stop. That entry of his got a lot of positive and supportive feedback from strangers with eating disorders thanking him for trying to understand and being supportive of them getting help. Because of this, I've always considered one day, not sure if I ever really would have, tell him about my problem with food. He's always listened to my problems and tried to help me out, especially during this one time when I was really head over heels for one of our mutual friends. But obviously he or anyone really has ever helped me with a problem this immensive.

I always wondered if he wrote that xanga entry because he was thinking about me. We have some mutual friends and I know they're all talking about me behind my back on how they think I'm anorexic.

So just randomly today, I called him up asking him if he wanted to go grab dinner with me. This is how the conversation went:

Me: I had some discount coupons to ____ so do you want to go take a study break and grab dinner?
Him: So you've finally decided to eat again?
Me: What?
Him: Didn't you give up eating a long time ago?

Asshole.

To even think I ever considered telling this douchebag anything about me.

I slipped up today. But the running total was less than 1100. It was totally my fault that I had so many leftovers from the food festival yesterday that for some reason, I felt maniacally compelled to finish all of it in one sitting. In one sitting, I had a burrito AND a bowl of pasta. And guess what. I'm still hungry. I just consumed 450 from the pasta, 450 from the burrito = 900 calories consumed in 10 minutes, ladies and gentlemen. That doesn't include the large amounts of fruit and vegetables w/ low-fat Ranch I had this morning which I'll estimate to about 200 calories to be safe.

I overestimated in every area so I have 1100 total. Yesterday, I overestimated to 1100 just to be safe. Now, to make a new schedule for the week to make sure I don't mess up like this again and to make sure my body stops expanding so much.

I like making new food schedules for the week though and playing around with what I have. Here's my entire schedule from now until finals. I can't afford slipups since when I go home, it's over for me.

Goal Weight: 92 lbs.

I could have crashed today but I just said no. I volunteered at a food festival where everything could have gone wrong but I did it. I went from 11AM to 7PM without anything but water. They even gave us free burritos at the end of our shift. I took one, but said I wasn't hungry to the girls I was with. Both of those girls devoured the burritos but I said I ate beforehand. I got rid of the burrito by giving it to a guy friend, whom I told I ate another burrito already from before. So..!

Friday results:
Breakfast: TV dinner (190 cal)
Lunch: A bag of potato chips (100 cal)
Dinner: Thai Ginger Noodle Instant Pack (170 cal)
Total: 460 cal!

The worst part of today was that despite all of this, I noticed my thighs have become fatter. I know it has nothing to do with how hard I tried yesterday. It was the shitload I ate earlier this last week that's taking an effect on me. Also, the girls I was with the whole time...I was so jealous of how skinny they were and talked about how much they were able to eat because they just were naturally that way. Well, actually one of them talked about how she doesn't like eating a lot, and that's just how she is. The other one eats a TON loads of food and is skinnier than the girl that doesn't eat much. It makes me so jealous that people like that treat food so simply and not be bothered by it while I'm counting every calorie.

It's gotten so much easier to lie to everyone that I ate before/after they saw me. It's also easier to lie about how I thought certain foods tasted like and we compare what we thought even though I never touched it.

And no offense, I shouldn't be saying this, but I was surprised how many fat people there were at a food festival. And honestly, I was jealous of every single fat person that waddled around at the food festival because I want to treat food the way they do. Just buy it, eat it, enjoy it, and wish one day they could go on a diet, but it really doesn't matter to them the way it matters the world to me.

Guess I get to join them in their binge tomorrow too. Oink.

Still to go:

Saturday:
Bfast:  nothing
Lunch/Dinner: Aspargus festival possible binge.
Total: Who knows. Let's keep it under 1000.

Sunday:
Bfast: nothing
Lunch: A slice of pizza to not have anyone become suspicious why I came late (300 cal)
Dinner: Only up to 500 cal worth of food)
Total: 800 cal

Today was a huge success. Instead of 410 calories like I planned,

Breakfast: Bag of potato chips (100 cal)
Lunch: Flavored water (0 cal), Fruit leather (45 cal)
Dinner: Oatmeal (160 cal)
Snack: 1 piece of gum (25 cal)

Total: 330 cal

I cannot believe that 1 BubbleYum Bubblegum is 25 fucking calories. I should have just bought a whole pack of gum to balance that out. And to think that I was going to take 2 more but I threw them away instead as to avoid temptation.

Repeat tomorrow =). The weird thing with me is that a lot of the times, I might change what I eat as long as the caloric value is the same or less.

Friday:
Breakfast: Carrot Juice (140 cal) --> TV dinner (190 cal)
Lunch: Chinese pastry thin (170 cal)
Dinner: Frozen yogurt (140 cal; DO NOT exceed 8 oz. of yogurt. Do not get toppings. If you accidentally exceed it, then give the rest to your friend and say you feel full. You have to. Stop pigging out for once.)
Total: 450 cal --> 500 cal (only because I have a math test I have to get prepared for.

Saturday: 
Breakfast: Chinese pastry thing (170 cal) (after this, 1 left) --> nothing.
Lunch: Go with friends to Jamba (get only carrot juice) or just study and eat a Chinese pastry thing (170 cal) --> Asparagus festival (be careful)
Dinner: Oatmeal (160 cal)
Total: Alloting 800 cal for the Aspargus festival, having oatmeal for dinner. ~1000 cal.

Sunday:
Breakfast: Oatmeal (160 cal) --> nothing to prepare for later.
Lunch: Beware. Choose one item. Eat one of it. (300 cal) --> 300 cal.
Dinner: Choose one item. Eat one of it. (300 cal).
Note: Give yourself a 500cal limit for each meal. Beware of snacks. Don't touch them. Bring a pack of gum to distract yourself.

Today was an epic fail.

Breakfast: 1 Chinese snack thing (170cal)
Lunch: 6 french toast sticks (570 cal) with syrup (210 cal), 5 slices of greasy bacon (273 cal), 2 soup spoons of pumpkin grilled potatoes (277 cal), a handful of sliced pineapples (100 cal). And get this, I was STILL hungry after all of that. Omfg...that was a scary feeling that if I didn't stop myself, I could have eaten more than this. Lunch alone was a whopping 860 calories!
Dinner: 2 slices of marinated meat (200 + 160)

Random snacks: Gum (18 cal) + Egg white (10 cal)

Total: 1420 calories.

So much for a comeback. I need to plan these things much better. It scared me more than it disgusted me that I cleared two entire plates of food during lunch and still felt absolutely hungry. Not to mention I'm having MASSIVE loads of food this weekend because I'm going to be eating with people all over the place and everything.

OK, let's try this. I always seem to follow my food schedules well when I plan for them ahead of time. Shit likes this happens when I don't know what I'm going to do for the day.

Thursday:

Breakfast: Chinese pastry thing (170cal) (after this, there will be 4 left)
Lunch: Gatorade (70cal)
Dinner: This is the danger. Bring over a chinese pastry thing (170 cal) and avoid all food served there if possible and pretend you ate earlier. Do whatever it takes to avoid that food. (exception: eat a fruit if they serve it there) (3 left)
Total: 410 cal

Friday:
Breakfast: Carrot Juice (140 cal)
Lunch: Chinese pastry thin (170 cal) (2 left)
Dinner: Frozen yogurt (140 cal; DO NOT exceed 8 oz. of yogurt. Do not get toppings. If you accidentally exceed it, then give the rest to your friend and say you feel full. You have to. Stop pigging out for once.)
Total: 450 cal

Saturday: 
Breakfast: Chinese pastry thing (170 cal) (after this, 1 left)
Lunch: Go with friends to Jamba (get only carrot juice) or just study and eat a Chinese pastry thing (170 cal)
Dinner: Just be careful.
Total: 340 before dinner. We'll see.

Sunday:
Breakfast: Oatmeal (160 cal)
Lunch: Beware. Choose one item. Eat one of it. (300 cal)
Dinner: Choose one item. Eat one of it. (300 cal).
Note: Give yourself a 500cal limit for each meal. Beware of snacks. Don't touch them. Bring a pack of gum to distract yourself.

toolatetofight at the were_not_hungry community posted this.

if any of you have been at this point before, please read. i think im ready to tell my dad, because he is the only person i know with some sort of authority. i am obviously very scared, and i would most likely have to write it in a letter. i'm really nervous about what would happen after i told him. i want him to try and protect and help me, but i am scared i will be called selfish and dumb, as you see my dad & the rest of my family originally making me feel that way is what made me first purge (after already having restricted for 2 years). and on top of this, my dad has congratulated me when i have lost weight, he has told me how proud he was and how i was "the healthiest one in the family". i know that i need someone else to hold me back and remind me not to overeat even the slightest portion so that i won't be tempted. I'm 19 now and its been a good four years or so to get to this point. I don't live at home anymore and my mind flashes to worstcase scenario and makes me think I'd have to live with my parents again. But maybe that wouldn't happen and they just wouldn't care. I don't know which option is worse. if you have reached out to someone, what happened next? what was their response? i'm tired of my body constantly being in pain. i always tell myself i'll solve this on my own, but i'm not strong enough. I make it maybe two days and then the third i give in again. i know that this is no way to live, it makes me not want to live at all. i am destroying all aspects of my life. i'm throwing away and throwing up thousands of my hard earned money. i have sabotaged every relationship i once had. i am not attending classes and working as hard as i should. i stay inside to b/p all day instead of making plans with my friends because i feel too hideous to get out. its miserable. its gone on too long. its wasted too many of "the best years of my life". The only thing i look forward to all week is the time i am able to spend in church. A completely safe and nourishing environment where for a moment I have all the answers and love I need. but how quickly I forget I'm Yours... "If i get caught up in fighting with my body, I'll lose no matter what. Because my body will fight for a while, and that will be hard to control. And when my body finally stops fighting the war, I'll lose again. Because I'll be the only casualty." "That's right. The pain is constant, and intense. And it's always there. So it feels good. Because it's the one thing I can count on. It will never disappoint, the way people disappoint. but there comes a time when you just run out of tricks you can play on your body, and you start thinking about getting some help. I got the feeling that i could not control the people outside, and i could not control my own body. and if i was that out of control, i could either commit suicide or go get help. Sometimes the actual physical pain would get so intense that i would scream to myself, "I can't go on like this anymore!" but then i would wake up the next day, and there i was-living proof that i could keep going on like this. because i was still there, right? but i kept trying, on and off. because i felt in my soul that if i did not find the right person to help me, i would die. thats why i persisted. because, even when you get this close to pain, this deep inside your own relationship with yourself, you sometimes experience a glimmer of insight into the fact that you can't stay inside yourself forever."

This was my response:

I read your entire post and honestly, when I reread the 1st paragraph you wrote, I cried. I'm crying right now literally as I'm typing this. I completely completely understand what you're going through because I'm going through exactly the same thing. I want to recover too and I want to tell my parents so badly. I'm so scared of hurting my parents, taking up space, wasting their money, and hurting myself. It fucking hurts so much and I know I need help. I'm at a point too in my life where I am actively sabotaging my relationships with people because I don't want anyone to know. People are noticing something is wrong and I want help but I don't know how to ask for it and I'm so scared of what I don't know. Thank you so much posting this. If you don't mind, I'm going to post this on my LJ so I can refer to this without clicking multiple links. Can I add you and we can somewhat keep in touch to see how we're both doing because I don't think I've ever read an entry someone wrote that literally brought me to tears the way I'm crying right now. I know we both don't want to disappoint our parents and the people around us who're so invested in making sure we're OK but I think our parents would want us to disappoint them with something like this 500,000x over surprising them with a trip to the emergency room. Please keep me updated on how you do. I want you to recover and even though I never met you before and never you existed before today, I don't know why but I really care for you and hope you do something about this soon.

I don't know why I got so emotional over reading this. Maybe because I know how much it would break my parents' hearts if they knew I was living in a hell like this. I'm so tired of being a disappointment to them but I'm trying to convince myself that I'd rather see them disappointed in me and know I'm safe rather than them seeing me in an open casket the way I saw my friend in that on Sunday. I can't even imagine how much fucking pain I could put them through.

I'm going to go see a psychiatrist first once I'm done with school and once I do, I'll tell them. They need to know or else I'm probably going to end up hurting myself even more.

General

• Age? 20
• Height? 5'2"
• Weight? 96 lbs. (probably more now since I binged for the last 4 days)
• Lowest Weight? 95.0
• Highest Weight? 129 (when I had the binge-eating disorder during sophomore year)
• What weight do you want to weigh? 92/93
• What eating disorder do you have? Officially EDNOS but the dietiitian and physician that I saw through odd circumstances said I was anorexic with bulimic tendencies and wrote that down on paper but they weren't certified to officially diagnose me.
• How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? I'm a piggy. Usually the 600-1100 range. I've recently lost lots of self-control so 700-1300 seems more appropriate.
• Do you throw up your food on occasion? Yes
• Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? Don't care.
• Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? No.
• Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Fuck yes.
• Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? 2 days. It's sad that pigs don't have that much self-control.
• Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? I got almost 90 of them in my drawer right now.
• Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? More models than anything. Especially their upper arm area which is my fattest region besides my ass.
• Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? Don't know yet.
• Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? No.
• Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? Yeah. Always. I always want to get out of it but I can't let go.
  
   

Body Image Q's

• Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Oh yes.
• What part of your body would you change? Back fat, calves, bloating stomach, upper arms because when I press them into my body, the flab rolls over and expands. 
• A scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body? 1
• Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? Somewhat I think.
• Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? Occasionally.
• Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Slightly just to see where I stand and how much work left I need to go. Like, I didn't notice the atrocity of my upper arms until I saw the models' arms.

Health/Food

• Do you think you eat healthy enough? I don't care.
• Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? No.
• Fat grams? No.
• Calories? Yes.
• Are you often tired/fatigued? Yes.
• Do you feel more energized after eating food? No I feel gross.
• Do you eat meat? Yes.
• Do you eat your food in a certain way? Prefer to eat by myself.
• Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Not yet. It's getting there.
• Have you ever thrown up blood? Yes but that's because when I first started purging, I used my nails.
• Is your heart bpm above 49? 52
• Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? Almost.
• Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? No because the thin that the media promotes is actually better than what I want. I want to be thinner than what they project.
• Your opinion of Pro-Ana? I don't know, I just kind of consider it my own problem really.
• Do you have any other mental disorders? Maybe lol.
• What's your favourite food to eat? Too many to list. Amongst them are bread, popcorn, pastries, lollipops, yogurt, sushi, meat, rice, curry, noodles, fast food, french fries, mashed potatoes, cereal, musubi, burgers, hot dogs, french toast, eggs, potato chips, and on and on and on and on and on.
• Drink? Starbucks' green tea latte with soy
• Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? Yes.
• Do you want to recover? Yes to save myself a future hospital trip that could destroy my parents' sanity. I want recovery without gaining weight. I want recovery so my parents can have a peace of mind so that I don't surprise them by having them find me in the emergency room because I took too many laxes or weighed too little. I love them too much and want to find a way out of this for them. I could care less of what happens to me.